Story Of A Lonely Capybara
By Lincoln Kincaid
Capster was a very lonely and sad Capybara. The other Hydrochoerinae called him, "Crappybara". Capster wished he could be like the other capybaras, living and playing in water, being herbavores, and sleeping. But Capster was allergic to water, loved meat, and never slept in his life.
He wasn't having a good life, and he knew it wasn't about to get better. So why not MAKE it get better? Capster "Crappybara" Capybara decided he was going to run away from home. He ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran until he eventually made it to a city.
"The lights are so lighty…" he exclaims. "It's beautiful! And look at those birds on the ground, harrassing those big tall ugly creatures… and that large rectangular structure… with see-through parts… and look at that big thing that water is coming out of… wow… what a place."
Wandering around, a human spots him and gets down to talk to him. "Hey little guy! What's a capybara doing around here?" it asks. Capster bites him. "OW!!!" WHAT THE HECK!?"
"Don't touch me."
"Woah. Did you just talk, little guy?"
"No"
"OH MY GOD… I'M GOING INSANE!!!... I think a CAPYBARA is TALKING TO ME… I'm INSANE!!!!!.. " Dude says, screaming. Then he runs away from Capster, yelling more and saying "I'M INSANE I'M INSANE I'M INSAAAAAAAAANNNE!!!!!!!
"What's his deal," asks Capster. So Capster went on with his day, walking into some big buildings, almost getting run over, making people run away screaming, and getting pets from attractive young ladies. He did not mind when a lady would pet him. He preffered young ladies but he let old ladies pet him just because he knew it made their day.
One day one of the young ladies, named Jenine Bartholomew took him home to her apartment. Capster was very excited. Now he has a girlfriend! Now he had company, and someone to pet him whenever he wanted. But her apartment didn't accept pets. One day Jenine went to work, and a Cappy Capturer came to the apartment to make sure there weren't any capybaras. He went and checked all the rooms.
"I sure do hope dere ain't no cappys en here!" the capturerererererererererererer would say intimidatingly.
"Actually, I sorta do, cuz it's how I get paid. But it'd suuure be unfortunate fer a capper ter have ter go ter the House of Captured Capp and have ter get put down!"
Capster hears him outside the apartment door and hides. He hides under the bed and makes a capybara noise, whatever that sounds like. "HA! I think I done just heard one a dem capps!" Mr. Capster Capturererer exclams. He opens the door and looks around everywhere, and eventually he checks under the bed.
"HA! Dere you arrr!!" he says when he sees Capster under the bed. "GOTCHA!". Capster was captured. It was over! the Capybara Capturererererererererererererer left a note for the owner/"girlfriend" that said:
"Deer sirree or madaamm,
We heve captured your capp. If you wesh to ever see it eever again call 888-777-6665 before 6 PM on Thursday. Pleese note that taday is Fryday, and Thursday wuz yeztarday. So eef that dohsn't work for you just come ambuush our animal kiling facility."
Later that day Jenine came back to her apartment to the note. "OH MY GOODNESS! I NEEDA GO BEFORE THEY KILL CAPSTER!!!" so Jenine ran and went as fast as she could, speeding and going 90 mph on a 20 mph street. The cops were chasing after her, but she didn't care. She needed to get Capster. Once she reached the Animal Killing Facility, she ran in, just as Capster was about to get put down.
"WAIIIIIIT!!! CAPSTERRR!!!" she screamed as she jumped on top of the man giving Capster the "KILL MEDICINE BUM BUM BUM!!!!!" and tackled him. Jenine snatched Capster away from the man, and sprinted to the door and into her car. They pulled out of the driveway, Jenine got a speeding ticket from the cops (she was able to talk her way out of getting arrested) and they went home.
And so, Capster the "Crappybara" lived with Jenine in her new house she bought, and they lived happily ever after. Until Jenine really got a boyfriend. But Capster attacking him and them disowning him is a story for another day. For now they're living happily ever after.
THE END.
A Story Of Love and Fast Food.
By Lincoln Kincaid
Webster McGriddle is a McDonald's employee. It has been his job ever since he turned 16, 8 years ago. It's not a very good job, as he only makes $27,000 a year, and still lives with his parents… Better than going to college though. And at least he gets free meals. Webster is very proud of his job though.
Whenever he wakes up and feels bad about having to go to McDonald's to work, he just remembers the fact that he is helping people! He provides the meals that feed these people! Some people couldn't live without him! He imagines that this must be the feeling a doctor feels when he has saved a life or something. That's another thing he feels good about! He provides extra patients and money for the doctors!
One day while working his day shift, his favorite returning customer walked in. "YOOO, Stevie my man!" he says. "Your usual?"
"Yes please, my homie. Gimme the largest fry you can. and a XXL Sprite. And two quarter-pounders." he replies.
"Ooh, two today?"
"Yessir! By the way, did you hear about the FFC?" he asks.
"FFC?"
"Fast-Food-Con! It's this Saturday!" Stevie exclaims.
"Oh, I totally forgot about that! We have a special panel where we hand out free burgers that day!" Webster says excitedly.
"I am looking forward to THAT!" says the fatty, Stevie.
Later that Saturday, Webster McGriddle goes to the convention. The McDonald's panel is set up right next to the Subway panel. "I hate Subway," Webster says, madly. "They suck!".
An employee at the Subway panel next to them hears him. "DOES NOT!!" she replies.
"DOES TOO!!" he replies.
"DOES NOT!!" she replies.
"DOES TOO!!" he replies
"DOES NOT!!" she replies. "McDonalds has caused or helped cause the deaths of thousands, if not millions of people. Subway is slightly more healthy!"
"Nuh uh." he says.
"Yes huh." she says.
"Nuh uh." he says.
"Yes huh." she says, and hands him a sandwich. "And it's better tasting too!". Webster takes a bite and it blows his mind.
"I think I like Subway…" he says, sadly.
"My name is Janet Marinara." she says.
"I'm Webster McGriddle". Webster says, sadly.
"WEBSTEEER!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TALKING TO SUBWAY WORKERS!? THAT'S AGAINST POLICY!" says his boss who showed up behind him. "IF I CATCH YOU WITH THIS SANDWICH GIRL AGAIN CONSIDER YOURSELF FIRED!
"Sorry boss.." Webster says, sadly. Janet gives him her phone number and waves at him walking back to the place he's meant to be.
The paper says.
"Call me for free Meatball Subs." That weekend, after he's sure his boss isn't secretly watching him on hours he's not working, he calls the number.
"Hello? Janet Marinara? I'm ready for the subs." Webster says, sadly.
"Okay, just come over to the Subway." she says, as she hangs up the call. Webster goes to the Subway. AND HIS BOSS IS THERE!
He hides his face behind a bush and goes over to the counter.
"Hi Janet!" he whispers, sadly.
"Why are you whispering?" she whispers back.
"MY BOSS IS HERE! HE'LL FIRE ME!"
"Why would he fire you if he's eating Subway himself?"
"I dunno. I'll go talk to him I guess.." he deides, sadly. He walks over to his boss, and breathes in to begin to talk.
"WEBSTER, WHAT THE HECK'RE YOU DOIN HERE?????!!!!!!!!!" he screams before Webster can say anything.
"But… you're here too..!" Webster says, taken aback, sadly.
"YOU'RE FIRED!!!!!!!" Bossman screams as Webster walks away.
"That's too bad." says Janet Marinara. "You can work here!"
Webster McGriddle gets a job at Subway and lives out the rest of his days working there. He and Marinara fall in love and get married and have 8 kids, Liam Footlong McGriddle-Marinara, Mia McNuggets McGriddle-Marinara, Emma Chocolate-Chip-Cookie McGriddle-Marinara, William McFlurry McGriddle-Marinara, Charlotte BLT McGriddle-Marinara, Mateo Philly-Steak McGriddle-Marinara, Lucas Quarter-Pounder McGriddle-Marinara, and Arthur Happy-Meal McGriddle-Marinara. They lived happily ever after, he said happily.
Mohammed Wang, the Chair
By Lincoln Kincaid
14-year-old Mohammed Wang was your average kid. Think of something a normal 14 year old would do/be and he did it. He was average at everything and had an average name, the most common name in the world in fact. Everything about this kid was normal, and nobody really talked much about him or cared much about him. He was just normal. But Mohammed had a secret that nobody knew about him.
All of Mohammed's life he had loved chairs. Loved sitting in them, loved pretending to be them, loved buying them, in fact he had a massive chair collection at his house. He loved chairs so much that he wished he could BE a chair. In his mind, chairs just hae a much better life than humans! ll they do all day is just sit there and occasiaonally someone will sit their butt on them. Every day he prayed to god that the next morning he would wake up as a chair.
But unfortunately, it never happened, no matter how much he wished and hoped and prayed. So one morning he was sitting on a chair eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Talking to his mom, Olivia Wang, about wanting to be a chair, and his mom as always fed into his delusions that he could someday. "Oh, I'm sure you'll find a way sweetie. I want you to get to your dreams!" she would say.
He got to school that day and the teacher announced there would be a science assembly that afternoon. The kids weren't all that excited. Mohammed especially. He hated assemblies. Once they got there it was some guy just talking about some random science mumbo jumbo until he eventually decided he would show what he was talking about by doing the science trick.
"Ya see this toad here, kids? Well, by putting these two chemicals on it and saying 'bippitty boppitty boo', I can turn the toad into any object that I please!" Mohammed gasped… This is what he had dreamed about his whole life! maybe after the assembly he can go and get this guy to turn him into a chair! So he waited, extatically for the next 20 minutes, till it was over, then RAN over to the man on stage.
"Hey dude! Can you turn me into a chair?" Mohammed asked, beggingly.
"Gee, I can't turn HUMANS into objects!" he replied.
"PLEASE can't you make an exception just ONE TIME? PLEEEAASSSEEE!!!??? It's my lifelong DREAM to become a chair!"
"Sorry kid. Can't. You have to get written permission from a parent or guardian to make such a big decision as turning a 14 year old into a chair."
Mohammed pulls out a paper and shows it to the guy.
"I asked my mom to sign her name on this piece of paper 8 years ago that says if the moment comes where I have the opportnity to finally turn into a chair, then I am allowd to. Please don't crush a young man's dream." Mohammed says.
"Well… Alright then." the man says as he pulls out his favorite chemicals and puts them on Mohammed. "Bippitty boppitty boo!" he says. Mohammed can't believe it. After more than a decade of dreaming of becoming a chair, it finally happened.
And so Mohammed happily lived out the rest of his days as a chair. Just sitting there and occasionally getting sat ontop of. He never got tired of his life, and he lived happily ever after.
THE END.
Story Of A Fat Loser
By Lincoln Kincaid
My name is Stevie Latin, and I am a fat loser. I have been a fat loser for two years, since 2026. On my birthday of that year my wife, parents, and dog all passed away and that's when I decided "Enough is enough," and to become unemployed. It's not like I have enough money to pay for living unemployed though. No job, no parents basement to stay in… I simply have to rely on good ol' credit card for everything.
I find ways to pay it off. Sometimes I'll beta test out new games for game developers, or make content about how terrible my life is, but I've kind of accepted that I'll always be in debt. But that's not the problem right now. The problem is that I'm lonely..
Ever since WWIII began (which was also on my birthday), no thanks to President Rump, (Trump's new identity to get elected a third time) the world has been even more depressing than just me not having family. There's battles out on the streets so it's not as safe anymore to go outside. But then again, I may just be using that as an excuse to get Doordash and doomscroll all day.
I just feel intense amounts of loneliness in my bones that I feel like I can't get fixed! I wish I could go out and meet people but I feel like I'm too fat and ugly, they wouldn't like me. The only human interaction I've had in the last 2 years is with the homeless guy who won't get off my property. Hippitty Hoppitty. Welp… My Wifi is down today, so I'll go out and ACUTUALLY GET FOOD for once… sigh…
I have to walk all the way doen the street because im too fat to drive. It's painful to walk too. The Cheetos really got to me, man. Going out into the steet, I see a robot. In the big royal 2028, robots are a common occurence. I'd say it's more likely you'd see a robot outside than a human. Most of them are friendly but some of them work for the government, to make sure people stay in at all times.
"HELLO, INFERIOUR," the robot says to me.
"Wassup." I reply.
"HOW DO YOU GET THAT FAT BUTT OUT THE DOOR?" the robot says, trying to make fun of me. I ignore him and continue on to McDonald's. Once I get inside I place my order on the screen and wait for ANOTHER robot, this one to carry out my food to me. And they said robots wouldn't take all the jobs. That's a whole new reason why I am unemployed. Couldn't get a job if I tried.
And to be fair, a robot that does the job literally perfectly would be better and cheaper than a 40-year-old fat dude. Once I get my 20 Chicken McNuggets, XXL Fry, and my XXL Sprite, I begin my walk home. Right in the parking lot I see some kid. "Hey kid!! Your gonna get run over!!" I scream at him. He didn't hear me. Then I see a car coming in, way too fast. "KIIIID!!!" I try again.
I decided I have to save him. I run as fast as my little legs would carry my fat body over to the kid and save him from the truck. "AAH!! SIDEACHES, SIDEACHES!!" I yell.
"Hey mister, thank you for saving my life!" the kid says. "My name is Jami Pajami. My parents left me here a day or two ago… and never came back… I've never felt so lonely in my life!
"Well kid…" I say.
"Yes?"
"D'ya like French Fries?"
Exit Sign
By Lincoln Kincaid
Chapter 1
Every building you go to has an exit sign. Nobody really notices them. They're just there so you know where the exit is. But little did you know there's a secret to these signs.
You see, the modern exit sign's widespread use began after a 1911 fire killed 146 workers at the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory in New York City. The tragedy highlighted the need for better safety measures, leading to the creation of codes that required clearly marked and illuminated exits. So you may think, "It's just a sign for safety, what's the point in writing this?". And yes, you are right. But like Transformers, there is more to Exit Signs than meets the eye.
The man who made the clever idea of the exit sign was a man named Archibald Penguin. Archibald Penguin was an old old man, almost 60 years old. (Back then the average age to die was 56, so that's pretty good.) When Archibald Penguin went to check out the fire at the Factory he said "I shall stop this from happening again!" His 13 year old daughter, Ellison, was unfortunately in that fire, and he needed to change some things.
He came up with the idea that in EVERY building, there should be a sign so that people know where the exit is! And it could be illuminated so they could see it even in dark spaces. And thus, the exit sign was born. But with the signs came a devastating curse.
Chapter 2
The year is 1997, in New York City, 86 years after the big fire. Archibald's 13 year old Asian grandson, Cain Allan Penguin, is just some random kid that nobody really knows. Cain has long black hair and loves ramen and anime. One day he was just chillin with his other gangsta friends and then he saw an exit sign. He bragged to his friends, "My grandfather invented those!" and he jumped up and tapped it. AND IT MADE A BIG CLANGING NOISE!
"What was that?" his friend Lincoln said.
"It was the exit sign. it seems like it wants us to… exit" said his other friend, Evan. His friends Cain, Lincoln, Evan, Israel, and Nora all ran away.
"THE EXIT SIGNS ARE AFTER US!!!" Nora screamed. They went to Cain's house and hung out there. Cain's dad told him and his friends to clean out the basement, so they went down there. and Cain, found something.
"What is that?" Lincoln said.
"It's… a golden exit sign. with a letter inside."
"Well? What does the letter say??" asked Israel. Cain started to read but was bad at it, so he handed the letter to Lincoln, who was in advanced literacy class.
"Dear Grandson, this is from your grampa, Archibald Penguin," Lincoln read. "With my invention of the Exit Sign comes a curse that comes every two generations. it happened to me, it skipped your father, but now it'll happen to you, and eventually your grandson too. Inside each exit sign is a piece of my daughter who died in the fire, Ellison. She is mad. and you have to go to every exit sign in the world and give her the attention she desires to get her to be happy, and not kill you."
"Holy Guacamole!" said Cain.
Lincoln continues, "This means you will have to go inside every single establishment, in the world. This includes government buildings, schools, religious churches, and all 23,132 McDonald's locations." Cain passes out on the floor.
Chapter 3
"How the heck am I supposed to go to millions of places all around the world? There's not enough time in an entire lifetime!" Cain says, panicking.
"There's only one way," Lincoln says dramatically. "Santa Claus."
Cain and the gang go to the mall to see Santa Claus. They wait in line for about an hour and then it finally is their turn. "What do you want young man?" the man in the suit says.
"Look, Santa, can I ask you a favor?" Cain asks.
"Of course, child, what is it?"
"Well, you are able to fly to billions of kids' houses in one night, right?" Cain asked.
"Yes".
"Well… I need you to travel all over the world and see every single exit sign."
"Well um… I can't… You see I'm much too busy making the toys and uh… stuff… and reading a list twice. And visiting every mall in America every day for hours on end somehow at the same time" Santa says.
"The elves can do it. and you have a wife for a reason, and just hire someone to do that.." Cain says. 'Santa' sighs.
"Look kid… I'm not the real Santa Claus!" He looks around to make sure nobody is looking. "The real Santa Claus is in a small town of Koala, Oregon right now," the Santa Imposter whispered.
"Oregon?!" Cain says, surprised.
"Yes, Oregon." Santa replied.
"To heck with that I'm not going to Oregon!" Cain says, in frustration. "C'mon guys, let's get out of here." They all walk out of the building and the exit sign falls off the wall onto Cain's head. "Ow!"
"CAIN ALLAN PENGUIN. I AM THE GHOST OF THE DAUGHTER OF ARCHIBALD PENGUIN, ELLISON PENGUIN. YOU HAVE NOT LISTENED TO MY ORDERS. YOU WILL VISIT EVERY SINGLE EXIT SIGN, OR YOU WON'T EVER VISIT ANYTHING AGAIN!!!" said the ghost of the daughter of Archibald Penguin, Ellison Penguin.
"Jeez, alright alright… Pack your things guys. WE'RE GOING TO KOALA OREGON!" said Cain.
"...Ain't no way I'M going to no freakin' Koala." said Lincoln.
"Yeah… me either… I would prefer to just…not.." Nora said.
"Well okay then, screw you guys, I'll go to Koala on my own!" said Cain in frustration.
Chapter 4
Cain goes on his bike all the way to Koala. 2,918 miles. The trip takes him about 8 days. He goes as fast as he can through the small town, to go see Santa. "HO HO HO!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!" Santa says.
"Hey Santa.. can you help me?" said Cain.
"Yes, yes, I know what you want, child! I see you when your sleeping, I know when your awake, I know when you've been bad or good so be good for goodness sake!" said Santa.
"Yeah, yeah cool. So will you help me? I didn't travel 3,000 miles for nothing."
"You'll have to wait till Christmas to see what you get!" said Santa in a jolly way.
"Dude, Santa, I'm not asking for presents right now!!!! I'm asking to not get killed by my ancestor!" begged Cain.
"I see. If presents really mean that much to you you can have yours now."
"NO YOU STUPID FAT GUY!!!!! I JUST WANT TO NOT FREAKING DIE!!!!" Cain screams, exasperated. "YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO ME RIGHT NOW. YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO CAN TRAVEL TO BILLIONS OF PLACES WITHOUT DYING OF OLD AGE. NOW SANTA, YOUR GOING TO GO TO ALL THE EXIT SIGNS IN THE WORLD. OR ELSE, NO MORE SANDY CLAUS!!!!"
"HO HO NO. I'M NOT GOING TO HELP YOU. I GOTTA STAY HOME AND MAKE OUT WITH MRS. CLAUS." said Santa Claus.
"PUT UP YOUR DUKES, SANTA. WE'RE GOING TO FIGHT LIKE REAL MEN. WHOEVER FALLS TO THE GROUND FIRST HAS TO GO TO ALL THE EXIT SIGNS." Cain says, mad.
Santa puts up his fists and begins punching Cain in the face. "Bro Santa, you're so weak." said Cain.
"Well, at least I'm not a skinny face like you." said Santa.
"OH YEAH? WELL YOUR FAT!!!" Cain does one little hit and Santa falls to the floor.
"OWWWWWW!!! YOUR MEAAAANNN!!! I'M TELLING MOMMY!!!"
whined Santa. "FINE, I'LL GO TO YOUR STUPID EXIT SIGNS."
"Oh yeah!" said Cain.
And he did. Santa went to every single exit sign and talked to the Ghost of the Daughter of Archibald Penguin, Ellison Penguin.
Chapter 5
Cain hangs out at home, playing video games and eating Cheetos, knowing that everything will now be okay. "DING-DONG!" the doorbell rings. Cain goes to answer it.
"Hello?" Cain says.
"HELLOO HO HO HO" said the man. It was Santa…
"Goddang it what do you want Santa?" said Cain.
"Well, I went to all the exit signs… but after all of that… I found out that it doesn't count unless it's you who does it." said Santa, sad.
"..........What."
THE END